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I made many bad or questionable decisions in my life but only had one major regret in my life; allowing my son (2 years old at the time) to go live with his father. Many of my mistakes or choices have been learning experiences that made me look at myself and become a better person. However, in that one decision I couldn’t see the benefit beyond my son having his father everyday. I lost many nights of sleep, would become angry every time my son left after a visit, and would cry for days (literally) because my baby was not with me. I would lash out at my honey because my honeys’ children were both in the home (which was totally unfair). It got so bad at one point that I couldn’t deal with my honeys’ youngest because she and my son were the same age. Bottom line, I was angry.

It didn’t help that many people questioned me and asked how I could do such a thing. Some assumed I was a bad mother and spoke judgment. Others were mad at me because they felt I gave up. I questioned myself and came to a point of mentally disconnecting and wearing the front of “I’m used to it now” so I wouldn’t feel, knowing that I was screaming on the inside. I do pretty well in not carrying things but that one decision I could not let go.

I was driving the other day and realized that my greatest regret has turned into my greatest blessing. Who knew that my sons last five years with his father would literally be his last five years. What if I would have said no? What if I would have been selfish and only considered my feelings? I understand now that everything happens for a reason and even when my mind couldn’t get past the decision, God had a plan.

From that decision my son has gained irreplaceable memories that may not have otherwise been there because we lived 300 miles a part. His father was able to plant some seeds in him that will positively affect him throughout his lifetime. I learned that my decision was one of the most selfless acts a mother can make. I learned to do the one thing I struggled with for years because of prior hurts; trust a man. Deeper than that, trust a man with my child. I had to trust that he would care for our son to the best of his ability. I had to trust that he would make decisions in the best interest of our son and trust that he had it.

The greatest lesson I learned was not to waste my energy being angry or trying to understand why things happen. I spent so much time being angry and mistreating others because I was trying to understand something that was beyond me. I was doing the exact opposite of what I was taught to do, leaning on my own understanding and I can’t get that time back. Eventually, I came to a place of praying for God to give him the knowledge and understanding to make the right decisions but it took me 4 years to get there.

I say to you, don’t waste your time trying to understand situations that are beyond you; just trust God. Yes it may hurt sometimes, you may start to beat yourself up, or you may feel like giving up, but learn to pause for a moment and look up. It’s easier said than done but the end result is much better than living in agony. Let yourself go and breathe in the peace that passeth all understanding.

One love,

MJ

 

 

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