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A Playa with a Purpose

Let me tell you about a playa with a purpose,
Who preys on people who don’t know their worth it,
Worth what you say? Worth being love, respected, and cared for,
Worth having someone who’s there for em’,
Someone who recognizes their value and encourages the same,
One who’s not quick to throw off the blame,
In an effort to take the attention off themselves, pushing their wrong off on everyone else,
Saying “it will never happen again” just to turn around and repeat the sin,
Knowing that you will let them in.

Let me tell you about a playa with a purpose,
Playa’s with a purpose know how to get in your mind,
Making you feel that without them you’re not worth a dime,
They’re there for you when you need them most,
Then turn around and get ghost,
Returning to their playa ways, day after day, play after play,
Only to make you feel like you led the way,
To their indiscretions, those one on one sessions,
With their other boo, who helps make you look like a fool.

Let me tell you about a playa with a purpose,
The funny thing is they don’t know that they’re worth it,
They stick to their playa ways, trying to fill their days,
Because they’re empty inside, too shallow to give up their pride,
So they need you to thrive and make them feel like a king or queen inside,
Why go through all that you say?
Because a playa doesn’t know their purpose,
Most times they walk this world feeling worthless,
They’re projecting the pain they feel inside,
Hoping it will help the hurt subside,
Not understanding that if they only look up they’ll know they’re worth it,
Because their creator holds their true purpose.

I was once a playa with a purpose. I didn’t prey on people (I didn’t seek them out) but I didn’t stop them from coming my direction either. I tended to attract people who were like me…hurting and insecure. Since I had been hurt so much before, I guarded myself to make sure it never happened again. However, I learned to play on the insecurities and vulnerabilities of others. I learned to make them feel like I was all they had. I was there for them when they needed me; a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a home girl. They were so blind because I gave them that one thing they never felt before, unconditional love. I didn’t judge them or make them feel less than like everyone else in their life. I lifted them up, became their cheerleader and made them feel like they were on top of the world. It was me and them against the world, so they thought.

Once I got into their heads and had them where they looked to me more than they looked to God (yep I was an arrogant one), I knew I could do anything I wanted…and for the most part I did. I knew if I kept them in the clouds they would be blind to and accept what I was doing. I called them my main and had my play things on the side. I made my own money but never had to spend it because they wanted to do everything for me…and I let them. I made them feel guilty for my mistakes and somehow always blamed everyone but myself. I was a user and abuser who played the victim card for so long that I didn’t realize that I had become the perpetrator. I was doing the exact same thing I thought I was guarding myself from. Although it was in different form, I was inflicting the hurt that I was trying to avoid. I felt like since I was being open about my indiscretions it gave me license to do as I please because honesty is the best policy right? Ha! I guess I should have started with myself.

I learned from childhood how to mask my feelings and not feel emotions so I didn’t understand why they were so upset once they came out of the clouds. Although I knew once the blinders came off they might despise me, I continued on in “my ways”. It wasn’t until someone I (surprisingly) opened my heart to was in my face crying and yelling “what kind of monster are you?” it clicked for me. Me, a monster? That’s what I called the people who hurt me. How can that be? I wasn’t doing what they did to me, so how can I be a monster? I mean what they did was waaayyy worse, so how can I be a monster? I was already at a point of struggling to look at myself in the mirror because the people I was hurting turned out to be really good people. However, hearing that person and for the first time (in a long time) feeling their hurt made me take a long, hard, honest look at myself.

I was a habitual cheater who didn’t know my worth. I enjoyed the pedestal I lived on and the ability to control people’s emotions because after all I had to get to them before they got to me (so I thought). I had to recognize my value and fight against every negative word spoken to me. I had to learn not to allow the words of others to define me. I had to learn to deal with my hurt rather than inflicting it on others. I had to learn that hurting others was not the way to make myself feel better. I had to learn to take responsibility for my actions and stop blaming the hurt from my past for present decisions.

I’m still a work in progress and far from perfect but I’m working. I’m thankful that I’m not who I use to be. I encourage everyone to recognize their value and be your best. It is an everyday process, so do not give up when it doesn’t change overnight. When you recognize your value, the way you walk, talk, and conduct yourself changes. What you allow in your life changes. Who you allow in your life changes. Look over your life and the company you keep. If your decisions are not adding value to your life, change them. If you “friends” are causing more harm than good, love them from a distance. Life is too short to waste it on foolishness. Live your best life because after all, you only live once so make it a good one!

Much love,

MJ

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