For my young people~12-2-2013

Tags

core values, decisions, friendship, honesty, love, love yourself, purpose, REAL TALK, Relationships, self evaluation, self respect, self value, self worth

A Playa with a Purpose

Let me tell you about a playa with a purpose,
Who preys on people who don’t know their worth it,
Worth what you say? Worth being love, respected, and cared for,
Worth having someone who’s there for em’,
Someone who recognizes their value and encourages the same,
One who’s not quick to throw off the blame,
In an effort to take the attention off themselves, pushing their wrong off on everyone else,
Saying “it will never happen again” just to turn around and repeat the sin,
Knowing that you will let them in.

Let me tell you about a playa with a purpose,
Playa’s with a purpose know how to get in your mind,
Making you feel that without them you’re not worth a dime,
They’re there for you when you need them most,
Then turn around and get ghost,
Returning to their playa ways, day after day, play after play,
Only to make you feel like you led the way,
To their indiscretions, those one on one sessions,
With their other boo, who helps make you look like a fool.

Let me tell you about a playa with a purpose,
The funny thing is they don’t know that they’re worth it,
They stick to their playa ways, trying to fill their days,
Because they’re empty inside, too shallow to give up their pride,
So they need you to thrive and make them feel like a king or queen inside,
Why go through all that you say?
Because a playa doesn’t know their purpose,
Most times they walk this world feeling worthless,
They’re projecting the pain they feel inside,
Hoping it will help the hurt subside,
Not understanding that if they only look up they’ll know they’re worth it,
Because their creator holds their true purpose.

I was once a playa with a purpose. I didn’t prey on people (I didn’t seek them out) but I didn’t stop them from coming my direction either. I tended to attract people who were like me…hurting and insecure. Since I had been hurt so much before, I guarded myself to make sure it never happened again. However, I learned to play on the insecurities and vulnerabilities of others. I learned to make them feel like I was all they had. I was there for them when they needed me; a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a home girl. They were so blind because I gave them that one thing they never felt before, unconditional love. I didn’t judge them or make them feel less than like everyone else in their life. I lifted them up, became their cheerleader and made them feel like they were on top of the world. It was me and them against the world, so they thought.

Once I got into their heads and had them where they looked to me more than they looked to God (yep I was an arrogant one), I knew I could do anything I wanted…and for the most part I did. I knew if I kept them in the clouds they would be blind to and accept what I was doing. I called them my main and had my play things on the side. I made my own money but never had to spend it because they wanted to do everything for me…and I let them. I made them feel guilty for my mistakes and somehow always blamed everyone but myself. I was a user and abuser who played the victim card for so long that I didn’t realize that I had become the perpetrator. I was doing the exact same thing I thought I was guarding myself from. Although it was in different form, I was inflicting the hurt that I was trying to avoid. I felt like since I was being open about my indiscretions it gave me license to do as I please because honesty is the best policy right? Ha! I guess I should have started with myself.

I learned from childhood how to mask my feelings and not feel emotions so I didn’t understand why they were so upset once they came out of the clouds. Although I knew once the blinders came off they might despise me, I continued on in “my ways”. It wasn’t until someone I (surprisingly) opened my heart to was in my face crying and yelling “what kind of monster are you?” it clicked for me. Me, a monster? That’s what I called the people who hurt me. How can that be? I wasn’t doing what they did to me, so how can I be a monster? I mean what they did was waaayyy worse, so how can I be a monster? I was already at a point of struggling to look at myself in the mirror because the people I was hurting turned out to be really good people. However, hearing that person and for the first time (in a long time) feeling their hurt made me take a long, hard, honest look at myself.

I was a habitual cheater who didn’t know my worth. I enjoyed the pedestal I lived on and the ability to control people’s emotions because after all I had to get to them before they got to me (so I thought). I had to recognize my value and fight against every negative word spoken to me. I had to learn not to allow the words of others to define me. I had to learn to deal with my hurt rather than inflicting it on others. I had to learn that hurting others was not the way to make myself feel better. I had to learn to take responsibility for my actions and stop blaming the hurt from my past for present decisions.

I’m still a work in progress and far from perfect but I’m working. I’m thankful that I’m not who I use to be. I encourage everyone to recognize their value and be your best. It is an everyday process, so do not give up when it doesn’t change overnight. When you recognize your value, the way you walk, talk, and conduct yourself changes. What you allow in your life changes. Who you allow in your life changes. Look over your life and the company you keep. If your decisions are not adding value to your life, change them. If you “friends” are causing more harm than good, love them from a distance. Life is too short to waste it on foolishness. Live your best life because after all, you only live once so make it a good one!

Much love,

MJ

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Just thinking…

Tags

children, friendship, life lessons, listening, perception, self love, self respect, teachable, teaching

Respecting a persons opinion or belief does not mean that you subscribe to their ideas and philosophies. We were created differently for a reason and I tend to believe it is so we can learn from each other. I have come across “interesting” people in my life and oftentimes did not see or understand their significance until later. It is amazing how the words spoken to me (even when I didn’t understand or agree at first) flood my mind when I need them most.

As a teenager I dealt with self-esteem issues and I would hear the words of my grandma “God don’t make NO junk!” over and over in my head. At times, it snapped me out of my moments and helped me regain focus. I will admit I rolled my eyes as a teenager when she said it but now I get it and find myself repeating it to my children.

When my daughter was a toddler, a lady from my uncles church said to me “when you see a gift in her, invest in it.” I’m pretty sure I looked at her crazy but I heard her. I had an opportunity to speak with the woman in April and reminded her of the “nugget” she gave me. She didn’t remember but appeared shocked that I did. This wasn’t a lady I spoke with often or spent much time with but I remembered what she said so when I recognized my daughters gift to dance, I began to invest.

Sometimes it’s the simple nuggets people drop here and there that can change our perspective. The simple nugget this woman dropped on me has been invaluable especially as I watch my daughter excel in her craft.

My best friend, whom I call “coach” carries a wealth of information. I use to wonder how she knew so much but I started to pay attention. She is a woman who observes, listens, and takes notes of the people and things around her. Although she doesn’t have children, she came to me with information for my son that pushed me to get over myself and has helped our family tremendously. How did she know? By listening, observing, and taking note of the people around her. I could have pulled the “you don’t have kids, why should I listen to you” card, but when I stopped, observed, and thought about it I realized she was right. She gave my son and I one of the greatest gifts in the world by simply speaking up. That moment taught me to not allow a persons circumstances deafen my ears.   

Throughout the years, I have learned not to limit myself to receiving from those who appear or I deem successful. In all things, we must open our minds and remain teachable because we never know where our help will come from. I challenge everyone to look beyond a persons circumstance and just listen. God has a sense of humor and that one person you thought could never teach you anything may be the one person who delivers the message you need. Oh yes, and as always…pay it forward.

One Love,

MJ

Inspirational moment 4/6/13

This week has been an interesting week filled with reflection, clarity, forgiveness, and a reminder of why it is necessary to live in “what is” rather than “what was”. When you spend so much time living in “what was” you can miss opportunities that are sitting in your face. My honey and I were reflecting the other day on our relationship. During our conversation, I repeated a statement that I’ve said for years but for some reason that day it resonated with my honey. Prior to that moment I would become frustrated because I didn’t understand why my honey didn’t get it. My honey said my words weren’t heard because they weren’t ready to be accepted; at that moment a light bulb came on. I realized that no matter how much you express something to someone, until they are ready to receive it, it’s hitting a brick wall.

It made me evaluate myself and I started to realize why it was hard to let some hurts go and why it’s hard to trust again, especially my family. Although they apologized and gave an explanation for their actions, I couldn’t hear them because I was focused on how they made me feel. Yes I understood their actions after they explained it, but I couldn’t believe them. I didn’t believe they changed or could change because the only thing I had to go by is the hurt they caused. I couldn’t see pass the “if you loved me, how could you?” or “you treated me worse than a stranger on the street.” So I thought “how can I be frustrated with my spouse when I’ve been doing the same thing?” At that point I went to my room, closed the door, put myself in a corner, and a flood of questions came. How can I expect someone give me beyond what I’m willing to do? How can I place expectations on someone that I can’t meet myself? How can I demand people see me beyond who I was when part of me still holds them to who they were? Why can’t I accept that a person has grown beyond their prior bad actions?

It is so easy to get caught up in how a person hurt you but fail to look at the what or why. I’m sure everyone reading this has hurt someone at some point and if you apologized you wanted them to forgive you and let it go, right? So why can’t you do the same? You want people to forget what you did while you hold the person who hurt you in a place. How does that work?

When we choose to hold people in a place, we stunt our growth. I ran across a post on Facebook from Reverend Jackie McCullough that said “stop nursing the grudges of the past! It hinders the grace that is available to you today”. We spend so much time angry and in fake forgiveness not realizing that we are robbing ourselves of a fulfilled life. While we’re holding on to the past we miss opportunities sitting right in front of us. Most people are willing to engage in surface forgiveness but not many are willing to get to the core so they can release the poison. Yes getting to the core hurts but at what point is simply existing not enough? At what point do we say “I am worth enjoying the fullness of life and not the shell I choose to live in”? At what point do we stop allowing the excuse of what “they did” hold us in bondage? At some point we have to take responsibility for our life, happiness, and peace. Maybe we hold what “they did” as a crutch because we fear that releasing them will require us to look in the mirror. Maybe we hold it because our inner fears of success or failure because after all it’s easier to blame someone else, right. At some point we have to stand up and say enough is enough, I’m worth it, and I deserve to be whole. It’s a choice. Choose life.

One love,

MJ

Reflection and Appreciation 3/14/13

Tags

building relations, friendship, Inspiration, love, mentors, positive affirmations, reconnecting, reflection, Relationships, respect

You never know how your progress will help someone remember who they are. Recently I was given the opportunity to re-connect with an old friend. This woman knew me as a teenager and saw me at my worst, however she never stopped loving me. She was highly influential to me as a teenager and young adult because of her unconditional love and heart towards young people. Our worlds divided after much drama (outside of me) that hurt her tremendously and broke her spirit. Every time I saw her she would have this glow but after the drama the few times I talked to her, it wasn’t there.

Anyway, I went to her house in December to say hello. We played cards, laughed, and talked as if no time elapsed. Last month I invited her to my house to hang out. We started talking, then I paused to listen beyond the words. As I listened, I realized that although she was hurt and much was taken from her, the passion and love for young people was still there. She expressed how proud she was of me and few other young people she dealt with. Also, how seeing me and another young lady recently made her realize how influential she was and in short, realize that dealing with young people was more than a passion but her calling. She also realized that touching the lives of young people can go beyond the church doors. I expressed to her how she influenced me as a teenager and most of all, loved me through my mess. I also took that time to apologize for the chaos I caused. Although I cannot change the past, I am big enough to admit when I was wrong.

Many people say they care about young people but only few are willing to step out and do something about it. This woman did everything in her power to reach young people but not only did she reach them, she was effective and the results were/are long lasting.

I began thinking and realized that sometimes we allow life to deter us from our passions and callings. Some of us were trained to put so much faith in man or leadership that we lose sight of where our gifting’s and callings come from. We allow “people” to dictate what we can do, who we can reach, and what format our gifting’s should be used. Reaching people has to stretch beyond the church doors and when we fail to recognize that we become people who are simply (as my sister says) “sucking up air.”

Although this woman and I use to attend church together, the most influential moments I remember were outside of the church house. She taught and showed me how to love people unconditionally through their faults; how a smile and hug that we perceive as simple can brighten a person’s day; how to speak up for myself when something’s not right; how to follow my gut and not the crowd; how to serve others with the right motives; and how to encourage people even when they are acting like idiots.

Re-connecting served a dual purpose. She could see some of the fruits of her labor and see how much of positive influence she truly is. I was reminded of what a pure, genuine heart of love looked like. Also, no matter what we experience in life never allow it to destroy our passion and deter us from our calling. Everyone will experience hurt but no one or nothing is worth losing yourself over. So get up, dust yourself off, and like Mufasa said in The Lion King “remember who you are.”

One love,

MJ

Hezekiah Walker – You’re All I Need

Tags

christian, Hezekiah Walker, Inspirational, Music, You're all I need

My song of the day!

Boundaries…what’s that?

Tags

attitude, boundaries, children, freedom, guidance, influence, life experiences, listening, love, Parenting, Parents, peers, respect, standards, teenagers

My teenage daughter (15) and I were talking a couple of weeks ago and she was expressing some desires she had. As we were talking my teenage son (13) chimed in and asked why I don’t let them participate in everything their friends do. He continues to say that I am over protective and my daughter agreed with him. I paused for a moment and asked them why they feel that way. They began to speak about how I do not allow them go to their friends houses at free will if I don’t know the parents (they answered their question right there, I don’t know the parents), don’t allow them to have a Facebook, go to the teen club (what the heck for), and the list went on and on…and on.

As I listened to them I realized that an extreme blur exists in this generation between what is age appropriate. I let them finish then I asked them “if I allowed you to have everything now what would you have to look forward to?” I began to explain to them my philosophy. I believe that everything should be done in moderation based on age, maturity, and level of trust. I allowed my daughter to have a Pinterest account a few days before this conversation and she was super amped. I asked her if I allowed her to start having social media accounts at 11 as she wanted, does she think she would have been that excited. Answer, no.

I believe that when young people are given to much too soon, it leaves them seeking more, which isn’t always positive. I also believe when a child is locked down too much they will find a way to break out so there has to be a balance. Again, this generation doesn’t appear to understand boundaries or have a clue about what is age appropriate. I have to pause and think about what is age appropriate because I wasn’t a “normal” teenager and my life moved a hundred times faster than theirs. If it’s confusing for me as an adult, I can only imagine how they feel as teenagers.

Anyway, the conversation continued and my daughter said “you act like we’re going to go out there and do crazy stuff.” I paused and broke it down for her “It’s not that I think you are going to do crazy stuff, I just realize as teenagers sometimes your brain shuts off or you can get in situations and don’t know how to get out of it. Every time I have gone against my gut because I didn’t feel you were prepared it was a disaster, which is okay because it was also a learning experience. However, my job as a parent is to equip you with tools and information to prepare you for what’s out there and deter you from the mindset that you have to experience everything to get it. The last thing I ever want to hear from a child of mines is “I didn’t know”. Would you rather I equip you with information or just leave you out there to fend for yourself? Think of it this way, life is like an ocean, you can either sink or swim. Information is a life jacket. Would you prefer I throw you in the ocean with nothing and say “good luck, let me know how that works for ya!” or provide you with a life jacket and you decide if you want to put it on?” She paused for a moment and said “have a life jacket.”

When I look at this generation of teenagers with all the suicides, murders because relationships broke up, bad acts because of peer pressure, lack of respect for authority, and bullying I realize that many of these young people are not equipped to handle anything. The voice of this generations peers has become louder than that of their parents and people who have their best interest at heart. What I try to put in my children is I was not put here to be their homegirl, I am here to be a parent and guide them. I don’t care about what’s cool and popular in the moment, I care about their future. I teach them that their attitude determines much; You can’t walk around being ugly to people and expect greatness. In my house, privileges are earned not given. Good grades and a positive attitude go a long way. Disobedience and reckless behavior get them nowhere.

I have found that many young people act out because no one expects anything from them. They have no boundaries or standards to live by. I am new to this teenage thing and learning much along the way but one thing I do have are boundaries. I’m not perfect and have made plenty of mistakes but I refuse to give up. I have learned to get up, dust myself off, and try something else. In the past, I would beat myself up but I realized that while I was in the corner beating myself up, I was doing them a disservice by leaving them without guidance; so I wiped my faced, sucked it up, and came out of the corner.

Parenting is a journey. It’s not always a beautiful one full of rose gardens but I believe my children are worth every smile, laugh, tear, bump, and bruise along the way. I am thankful for my children and for a while did not imagine that I could produce such beautiful hearts. I asked my teenagers to be patient with me because some things we are learning together, because once again I was a different type teenager.

I know we cannot protect our children from everything but at minimum we can show an interest and equip them with information. I know some young people will act out just because but we at least have to try. Life happens to all of us but we cannot fail our young people by throwing them in the ocean with no life jacket hoping for the best. I encourage every parent (especially with teenagers) to take a step back and evaluate your position in their life. Are you talking at them or with them? Are you talking more than listening? Are you respecting them as individuals? These are questions I ask myself from time to time to keep me focused. Every child is worth giving the opportunity to live their best life. Will you be a hindrance in that process or will you step up and give them YOUR best?

One love,

MJ

A Mother’s Love

Tags

building relationships, encouragement, friendships, love, Mothers love, Parenting, quality time, Relationships, self worth

A mothers love is a feeling that can never be replaced. Oftentimes we allow life, people, and relationships to distract us from what is most important. Sometimes we have to take a step back and evaluate our relationship between us and our child or children. If they are acting out, sick all the time, too engaged in outside activities, depressed, complain about being home, or otherwise preoccupied just step back and think. What can you change? What are you missing? Are you giving them enough positive attention? Are you spending enough time with them? Is a friendship or relationship taking up to much time? If you are in a relationship does you and your child have enough one on one time? Do you eat dinner together? Are you engaged in their activities?

The list can go on and on. Point being before you engage in outside relationships, make sure you have built the security net between you and your child. I have been guilty of forgetting the value of my children in the past especially in new relationships. My reality is relationships may come and go but my children will always be my children. Yes I believe in taking “me time” because if I don’t take care of me I can’t take care of them; however, there is a balance. It can’t be so much “me time” that my children get “no time”.

It is not enough to tell your child you love them or take them to McDonald’s or Chuck E Cheese’s when they start to complain to pacify them. We have to put just as much energy as we do in friendships and relationships into our children simply because they are worth it. If we don’t show them their value, they may never know. I encourage all mothers to take a step back and evaluate your position with the most precious beings in your life. Let them know that they are worth it!

One love,

MJ

Just a thought…

Tags

dreams, just a thought, live your best life, love yourself, purpose, Recognize your value, you are important

I woke up with a thought yesterday and wanted to share it:

Just because some people take you for granted doesn’t mean you have to minimize your value. At some point they will look back and realize what they missed but in the meantime, be your best and live your best life. Never place your value or how important your role is in someone else’s hands. We were all created for a purpose!! Live your dream, fulfill your purpose!!

One love,

MJ

Inspirational moment 9/6/12

Tags

acknowledging errors, helping others, life experiences, mistakes, Pay it forward, personal triumph, positive thoughts, reward

I was asked some time back why am I so open about my past. Another person could not believe that I was writing such personal details about myself on the internet. I thought about it for a while and even scaled back on my writing. However, I realized that there is a reason I was allowed to experience certain things; to help others. I was not ashamed when I was making questionable decisions so why should I be ashamed to acknowledge the mistakes I made and how I came out of it? Most of my actions were taken with no regard of anyone else. I didn’t care who knew or who was watching, I was just “doing me” and I was proud of my ignorance. Why not be just as proud or more to share how I overcame those situations?  

Growing up, people were more concerned about their public persona than being real. Many acted as if they never made a mistake in their life and often looked down at me or dogged me out when I did. I become irritated with people who act as if they are above everyone else without realizing that their story may be the one thing a person needs to not go jump off a bridge (extreme but real). If my story can help save a life, help someone renew positive thoughts or simply know they are not alone then why not?

People have to come out of selfishness and fear that someone will find out who they were/are. No one was created to be perfect. The past is the past for a reason. Everyone makes mistakes and stupid decisions, big deal. The question that matters is did you learn from it? Are you working towards making better decisions in the future? You may run into the same situations two or three times (or however many) and fail before you get it, so what. Maybe someone needs to hear that you failed 86 times before you made the right decision. At some point paying it forward has to be more important than covering up. Can you imagine what this world would be if people were more open to helping one another? Can you imagine how different the state of our young people would be?

I choose to think beyond myself and release my pride to help someone else. Are you willing to do the same? Sharing personal stories are not for everyone you meet but when the opportunity is right you will know. Pay it forward!

One love,

MJ

Happiness comes from within 8/29/12

Tags

acceptance, happiness, Inspirational moment, joy, love, peace, Relationships, self value, soul-searching

As I have grown, I realize more and more that happiness comes from within. Internal happiness cannot be given to a person by another human being no matter how hard one tries. My mistake has been trying to fill a void that was beyond my human capabilities. If a person is not happy within, trying to be happy with them (in a relationship or friendship) is almost pointless. Their views will be distorted, they may never see the positive in anything, everything around them is a threat, they are unable to handle any opinion against their own, making them defensive about everything.

When one is unhappy, it is very easy to point fingers and blame someone else. However, we  have to remember that no one can do anything to us without our permission. Permission is not always verbal. Permission can be passiveness, playing ostrich, acceptance of bad behaviors because one feels nothing will ever change, or a decreased self value that doesn’t allow one to speak up for self. My permission has been acceptance of bad behaviors because I felt the individual would never change. Accepting people for who they are is fine but oftentimes when it (directly) negatively affected me I let it “roll off” not realizing that it was building resentment, which of course made me unhappy (pissing me off even more).

So here’s what I’ve learned:

Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is be honest with self. So many people spend time looking and judging those around them that they never evaluate their inner being. I began a practice several years ago that has helped maintain my happiness and sanity; soul-searching on a quarterly (sometimes more) basis. I started this practice because life can become so overwhelming (especially as a parent) that it is easy to get caught up and forget about what makes me happy. I take this time to trim the fat out of my life (i.e. meaningless relationships, negative people, useless activities, and unhealthy habits, behaviors, and practices). I also evaluate anything I want or need to change about me. I have found this practice helpful in maintaining my “cheerful disposition” ;). It also keeps me grounded by remembering that no one is responsible for me, but me. It sounds simple but it’s not. I am human, and some things or people I just don’t want to let go even if they irk me. Also, sometimes I just want to blame somebody else because after all it must be them, not me right? I couldn’t possibly have all of these flaws right? Ha!

Point being, when we are willing to be 100% honest with ourselves, it is much easier to pin point the source of unhappiness. I encourage everyone to be brave enough to search your inner self. It can get tough at times because some faults are hard to acknowledge; however, to get to a point of inner peace it is necessary. I promise you it is well worth it in the end.

One love,

MJ